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COMES TO TOWN:
- Mayhem in the Streets
You could smell trouble the minute they rolled into town.
Like Hershey bars to a fat lady, and butter to a neurotic,
the smell of trouble permeated the air. Thick gray
fumes swirled beneath their steel horse wheels, and as
the sky darkened into an ominous eerie Hotel California
haze, Star City knew it was in for a weekend of mayhem.
Like Hershey bars to a fat lady, and butter to a neurotic,
the smell of trouble permeated the air. Thick gray
fumes swirled beneath their steel horse wheels, and as
the sky darkened into an ominous eerie Hotel California
haze, Star City knew it was in for a weekend of mayhem.
The Neurotic
Those Apple Valley riders are slick dirty dawgs.
Leading their pack was Hawgy, a man quick with a smile, but even quicker
to ward off Chipmunk jokes. His consort, the effervescent SloRide, had an
innate knack for making every other female within 20 yards suck in her gut.
Leading their pack was Hawgy, a man quick with a smile, but even quicker
to ward off Chipmunk jokes. His consort, the effervescent SloRide, had an
innate knack for making every other female within 20 yards suck in her gut.
The one they call Chili had the
reputation of out-running HD’s on
a John Deere. We didn’t see any
of that this weekend, but we kept
our eyes on him just the same.
reputation of out-running HD’s on
a John Deere. We didn’t see any
of that this weekend, but we kept
our eyes on him just the same.
They had come with an appetite for buffalo and
weren't taking "no" for an answer.
"Only one place for buffalo in these parts."
Scooter said, and he knew it was miles away.
weren't taking "no" for an answer.
"Only one place for buffalo in these parts."
Scooter said, and he knew it was miles away.
He'd have to inch them there; to the Swinging Bridge at Paint
Bank, appeasing their savage hunger along the way and hoping
the situation wouldn't turn sour.
Bank, appeasing their savage hunger along the way and hoping
the situation wouldn't turn sour.
Those Apple Valley riders have voracious appetites. Like beasts on the
hunt, they sought out good grub everywhere they rode. It was almost as
if they would ride to eat, but it had to have been something else driving
them toward that buffalo. I mean, "ride to eat" . . . Whoever heard of
such a notion?
hunt, they sought out good grub everywhere they rode. It was almost as
if they would ride to eat, but it had to have been something else driving
them toward that buffalo. I mean, "ride to eat" . . . Whoever heard of
such a notion?
We’d been on the trail for almost an hour when we pulled our steel horses into the lot of a
crappy oasis offering only dust covered cheese crackers and outdoor toilets.
It was hot and sticky there, and even though they didn’t ask, every one of those Apple Valley
riders were secretly wondering where in blue blazes they were and, more importantly, where,
in this middle-of-nowhere dried up watering hole, was the buffalo?
crappy oasis offering only dust covered cheese crackers and outdoor toilets.
It was hot and sticky there, and even though they didn’t ask, every one of those Apple Valley
riders were secretly wondering where in blue blazes they were and, more importantly, where,
in this middle-of-nowhere dried up watering hole, was the buffalo?
SloRide attempted to quell the beast in Hawgy,
but he was fast coming down with LINTS
Syndrome, (Like I Need This Sh_t) and fingers
were beginning to point at Scooter.
Ace kept a cautious eye on the situation. He
knew these Apple Valley riders; knew there was
only so much LINT they could tolerate.
Tensions ran high. Scooter knew he had to get
their butts on the road to Swinging Bridge, so he
lined 'em all up and headed 'em out.
but he was fast coming down with LINTS
Syndrome, (Like I Need This Sh_t) and fingers
were beginning to point at Scooter.
Ace kept a cautious eye on the situation. He
knew these Apple Valley riders; knew there was
only so much LINT they could tolerate.
Tensions ran high. Scooter knew he had to get
their butts on the road to Swinging Bridge, so he
lined 'em all up and headed 'em out.
ain't trying to start nothing...
Apple Valley was mighty hungry by the time we arrived and,
because the journey there had taken 2 hours, we were hoping
nobody would receive a whooping before we were able to sit
down and eat.
because the journey there had taken 2 hours, we were hoping
nobody would receive a whooping before we were able to sit
down and eat.
The place was packed. Seems those
Apple Valley riders weren't the only
hombre's craving buffalo, so they put
us on the front porch to wait our turn.
Apple Valley riders weren't the only
hombre's craving buffalo, so they put
us on the front porch to wait our turn.
After half an hour or so, Pinky had me to go inside and check on tables.
I was begging the lady to seat us; said we were traveling with a band of
voracious eaters who hadn't had anything but dusty crackers since early
that morning and if she didn't get us to a table soon there could be blood
shed. She knew right away who I was talking about.
"Quick! Get them inside." she told me.
I was begging the lady to seat us; said we were traveling with a band of
voracious eaters who hadn't had anything but dusty crackers since early
that morning and if she didn't get us to a table soon there could be blood
shed. She knew right away who I was talking about.
- "Don't tell me..." she said, trepidation covering her face like a bad
face cream, "It's those Apple Valley riders, isn't it!"
- "Ya, it's them." I said, "There' s four of them and I'm not sure how
much longer it'll be before the one they call PuddleDuck sneaks up
behind someone."
"Quick! Get them inside." she told me.
Up until that moment, Star City had only speculated about the kind
of trouble Apple Valley riders were capable of causing, but when
we entered the restaurant and saw the entire dining room staff
overhead on the rope bridge, fear frozen on their faces and
pointing the way to the seating area, we knew Apple Valley's
reputation had preceded them.
of trouble Apple Valley riders were capable of causing, but when
we entered the restaurant and saw the entire dining room staff
overhead on the rope bridge, fear frozen on their faces and
pointing the way to the seating area, we knew Apple Valley's
reputation had preceded them.
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST MEAL
It was nothing short of a miracle when everyone emerged
from the dining in good spirits. Hawgy, SloRide, Chili, and
PuddleDuck had been fed and, for the moment, were more
likely to crack jokes than to stir up trouble and get us all
arrested.
I had been inside the General Store educating a cotton-top
about the do-dads on our vests because she said to me,
"What's all the do-dads on your vests?" By the time I came
out to the porch, everyone had let their guard down and
there was no sign of trouble brewing.
I spotted him sitting at the far end of the porch; some old
guy in Bermuda shorts with a sort of spooked look on his
face at first, like maybe one false move on his part would
result in a broken limb.
Tipsy kept talking and the old guy was trying hard not to
listen to the conversation,
from the dining in good spirits. Hawgy, SloRide, Chili, and
PuddleDuck had been fed and, for the moment, were more
likely to crack jokes than to stir up trouble and get us all
arrested.
I had been inside the General Store educating a cotton-top
about the do-dads on our vests because she said to me,
"What's all the do-dads on your vests?" By the time I came
out to the porch, everyone had let their guard down and
there was no sign of trouble brewing.
I spotted him sitting at the far end of the porch; some old
guy in Bermuda shorts with a sort of spooked look on his
face at first, like maybe one false move on his part would
result in a broken limb.
Tipsy kept talking and the old guy was trying hard not to
listen to the conversation,
- ..."and I told Big Daddy that every time he got scared that
he should reach over and grab my..."
- but the old guy couldn't stop listening!
And to think... The whole time, we figured it
would be one of those Apple Valley riders
humiliating the group.
We split a gut laughing!
Old guy included!
would be one of those Apple Valley riders
humiliating the group.
We split a gut laughing!
Old guy included!
Scooter knew it was forty miles back to town. We had
already spent 30 minutes on the porch at Paint Bank,
and if he didn't get those Apple Valley riders to their next
feeding, trouble would surely be on his heels.
already spent 30 minutes on the porch at Paint Bank,
and if he didn't get those Apple Valley riders to their next
feeding, trouble would surely be on his heels.
We hadn't been riding 30 minutes when the one
they call PuddleDuck waved us down a side road
and forced the group off their bikes.
"Open them saddle bags, boys" PuddleDuck said,
and the search began.
"We want it all," Hawgy demanded. "Salty, sweet,
everything ya got."
"Hair covered," Chili shouted. "We don't care."
they call PuddleDuck waved us down a side road
and forced the group off their bikes.
"Open them saddle bags, boys" PuddleDuck said,
and the search began.
"We want it all," Hawgy demanded. "Salty, sweet,
everything ya got."
"Hair covered," Chili shouted. "We don't care."
vo·ra·cious (vô rā′s̸həs, və-)
adjective
greedy in eating; devouring or eager to devour
large quantities of food; ravenous; gluttonous
adjective
greedy in eating; devouring or eager to devour
large quantities of food; ravenous; gluttonous
If you recall last years kidnapping
of AT then you know how Scooter
covets his cookies.
Saddle bags full, there was no
way he was giving 'em up.
Before that slick dawg Hawgy, the one
who smiles alot and wards off Chipmunk
jokes, before he could scour Scooter's
bags for the loot, Scooter grabbed his
coveted cookies and dropped to the
ground.
Hawgy tried, but couldn't get hold of 'em.
who smiles alot and wards off Chipmunk
jokes, before he could scour Scooter's
bags for the loot, Scooter grabbed his
coveted cookies and dropped to the
ground.
Hawgy tried, but couldn't get hold of 'em.
Ace pleaded with him to
give them up, but Scooter
held on to his cookies.
give them up, but Scooter
held on to his cookies.
Even when things
turned ugly, Scooter
refused to budge.
Ya just don't separate
a man from his cookies.
turned ugly, Scooter
refused to budge.
Ya just don't separate
a man from his cookies.
Pinky caught the whole thing on
camera and threatened to expose
the truth if they didn't leave
Scooter's cookies alone, but
nothing dissuaded this bunch.
camera and threatened to expose
the truth if they didn't leave
Scooter's cookies alone, but
nothing dissuaded this bunch.
The entire Chapter rushed to his rescue offering their butts for a whooping if only
Hawgy and his ruthless band of eaters would leave Scooter's cookies alone.
Hawgy and his ruthless band of eaters would leave Scooter's cookies alone.
when after sneaking up behind Big Daddy had turned
the tables.
the tables.
All Big Daddy had to do, as
his reputation will confirm,
was "clear the air" and
suddenly, nobody wanted
cookies anymore, not even
Scooter.
his reputation will confirm,
was "clear the air" and
suddenly, nobody wanted
cookies anymore, not even
Scooter.
Southern Cruisers Riding Club
Star City Chapter 32
The Fat Lady
Following a very short stop in New Castle,
just long enough for a head-count and
attitude check, we continued on 311 until
reaching Paint Bank.
just long enough for a head-count and
attitude check, we continued on 311 until
reaching Paint Bank.
But the one they call PuddleDuck brought
the whole ordeal to a halt....
the whole ordeal to a halt....
Special Report
Noses pinched tight, we sprinted to our bikes and raced out
of there faster than old Leather-Britches pitches her tent.
Toeman escorted the Apple Valley riders to their motel and
we would all have only another hour before we were to meet
up again for a night on the town.
Our only hope was that those Apple Valley riders would eat
first, otherwise, Star City was in for a night of terror.
of there faster than old Leather-Britches pitches her tent.
Toeman escorted the Apple Valley riders to their motel and
we would all have only another hour before we were to meet
up again for a night on the town.
Our only hope was that those Apple Valley riders would eat
first, otherwise, Star City was in for a night of terror.